Thursday, April 29, 2010

Rollerskate Rocket Ships

Day dreaming is a dangerous business. I get lost in my dreams. I can spend hours staring into nothing while playing in my head. The best part about day dreaming is no one can make fun of my mind’s idle wanderings. They’re my secret and I don’t have to share. The problem is that at some point, you want to share. At some point you want someone else to play in the magical kingdom in your head.

For a short time in my life, my cousin Scott lived next door. Scott was my bestest friend and we would spend hours playing imagination. We played Flintstones, and Top Gun, and Race Car Drivers, and Roller Skate Rocket Ships. We never thought a new idea was stupid. It was perfect, simply because it was new idea. Would we fight? Sure! Did we ever question for a second that we’d play again tomorrow? Never! We understood each other.

One day I decided that no one would ever understand me as much as Scott did. No one would ever want to play imagination all day. I explained to Scott that we were gonna have to get married. I didn’t understand what married meant or the details involved. All I knew was that it was important to find someone that you could spend a lot of time with, for the REST OF YOUR LIFE! You couldn’t trade, or go home when you got bored. You were gonna be stuck with them forever! If I was gonna be stuck with someone, I wanted it be Scott.

“WHAT?! We cant get married! We’re cousins!” Scott yelled down from the Eucalyptus tree. This was a new rule! I didn’t know family members were not allowed! “Why does that matter?” I asked curiously. “Because. Duh. “He retorted matter-of-factly. “ Don’t “Duh” me. Why not? What’s the reason?” “Because! DUH! Our babies would be deformed and ugly! AND… because I don’t want to kiss you!” Whoa! More rules! “Ewww! I don’t want to kiss you either! Yuck! Couldn’t we promise never to kiss and not have babies?” “Nope. If you get married you have to kiss. The preacher makes you kiss. And you have to have babies, once you’re married, there’s no stopping it. It just happens.” Great! I thought. I’m doomed! Not only do I have to find someone who wants to play imagination all day, but now I have to find someone to kiss and make babies! This sucks!

Luckily, I found out I like kisses and babies. What I struggle with is I can’t get anyone to play imagination with me. No one wants to pretend to conquer the tiny village on the other side of the couch. No one wants to pretend we have neighbors that are KGB. So instead of playing with them, I play in my head, and time and time again I am alone in a relationship. I can point the finger at my ex’s all I want for all reasons why we didn’t work. But the truth of the matter is that I stopped playing with them.

Have you ever wished that someone would just play with you and not think you’re crazy? Or write a story with you? Or just allow you some down time to play by yourself without thinking that there is something wrong with the relationship? I feel like that all the time.

I get scared sometimes that I am making you up in my head. A great Prince Charming that is so like me, so different from everyone else; all the problems we have had in past relationships wouldn’t be a problem for us. What scares me is; what if I build up my dreams so high that you can’t get in? What if I dream too long? Will I end up like a cursed Snow White? Dreaming away the days; waiting for Prince Charming. Only instead of waking up to true loves kiss, I keep dreaming. What if I like my dreams more than you?

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