Thursday, May 13, 2010

Spa Day

The other night, I had one of those scary single woman evenings. I was wearing the most unattractive outfit I own, big baggy workout pants that I stole from an Ex-Boyfriend and a Red Sox t-shirt. No make-up, hair in a pony tail. I was completely comfortable. It wasn’t that I was depressed or upset; I just wanted to be in my own skin for awhile.

Instead of baking a cake like I had planned, I grabbed a spoon out of the drawer, opened the can of frosting, and ate it straight out of the can. I wasted the evening doing absolutely nothing of importance. I didn’t want to blog, I didn’t want to Facebook, or watch a movie or read. I just wanted to enjoy the silence. I just wanted to allow thought to flow through me and around me without direction. I didn’t ponder, I didn’t find something funny, I just laid on my bed and allowed myself to exist without the pressure of purpose. It was amazing. I loved every minute of it.

How would this kind of night work in a relationship? At some point you would want to talk to me, interrupting my nothingness of thought. At some point you would question if that entire can of frosting was gonna make me fat. You would hate how those pants make my butt look and you’d probably try to tell me the Red Sox suck. Wouldn’t you? Something about that kind of evening would annoy the crap out of you. I wish I could say that kind of night rarely happens, but they do happen and I need them.

I am not sure what I accomplish in those evenings. On the surface it is a complete lack of ambition, self-control, and presence. How could anything come from that? I have no idea. What I do know is that it’s better than a Spa day. I feel rejuvenated and renewed. The next day I get back to tackling the world, helping others and looking fabulous.

Am I capable of marriage? Am I capable of giving up something like that night, just because it makes you uncomfortable, or because you think less of me because of it? How do I tame myself enough to make my world palatable to you? Would you ask me to? What is it about you that I am going to hate? These are the worries that flood in whenever I consider the thought of Happily Ever After.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Puzzle Pieces

What am I supposed to do with myself in these darkest hours of the night? When my soul wants to take flight from my body and be free to think all the deep thoughts that I am too busy to think about during the day. All my preoccupation and distractions melt into still silence and I am left alone to question my purpose, question my God, question my path, question my resolve, question my strength, question…question… question.

All my shelters and shields that protect me from the outside world during the day are meaningless at night. The storm rages within me. I feel the weight of my skin restrain me, holding me back, keeping me ordinary. Almost like a lost dog at a pound that frantically struggles against his cage; he knows he has a home and just wants to be free to find his way. Sometimes I feel like I neglect my soul. I ignore my own longings just so I can maintain my ordinariness. The thought makes me sick with disappointment at myself. How dare I have the audacity to attempt to squelch something that feels like it is ripping me in half! Will this war end me?

Beloved, sometimes I need your guidance. I need a sounding board to bounce ideas off of. I need you to hear me. Maybe what I really want is for you to have crazy ideas that I can listen to. Maybe if we’re crazy together it’ll all make sense some how. I need you to help me with the puzzle pieces of life; we’re supposed to build this thing together remember?

My struggle isn’t with God or loneliness, it’s with me. Having been blessed with so much, such an abundant life, guilt knocks at my door and raps on my windows and sends nasty past due collection notices to me. Guilt is my terrorist and he demands his ransom.

It’s worse than that though, guilt almost makes it sound selfless and this isn’t selfless. What is this? Impact, I want to have impact. To be able to know that all these blessings were for something more worthy than just me. My life is too good. My heart is too happy. I am too full. I can’t just keep all of this for myself, can I? I’m supposed to do something with it right?

Where is my outlet? Where do I funnel all of this? Right now the only thing that makes sense is to write. To just be honest with the blank page in front of me. Hopefully I learn to let my soul take a stroll across the pages and maybe one day I will be able to express the beauty that God has implanted in my heart.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Short Stories

Venturing out into the world of dating, I never for minute thought it was possible to lie to someone about loving them. How something as sacred as love could be lied about was beyond my comprehension. How dead does your soul have to be to tell such a lie? That lesson I learned the hard way. It is possible, and your soul doesn’t have to be dead in order to do it.

Simply enough, it is possible to convince yourself that loving the way someone makes you feel is the same as loving that person. We all need to be loved. We all want to be desired. We all want to be needed. The sense of security that is associated with these things is intense and beautiful. We assume someone finds value in me. What if that isn’t the case? What if we are riding a wave of emotions that crashes us on the shores of reality; this isn’t love, its human need. Too many of my relationships have ended on those shores. Am I done making mistakes?

For the first time in my life, I feel like I finally get it. I no longer believe the lie of love. The reason for that is I no longer need to be loved. I can be alone and be comfortable with who I am. I love myself and I know my own value. I no longer need you to find it for me.

Beloved, I don’t want our love story to be a short story. I don’t want to wake up next you one day and wonder, “Who’s the stranger in my bed?” I want to love your substance. I want to love your beautiful soul and all the stupid tiny details of you. So if you are still working on finding your own value, I understand. Take all the time that you need. When you are ready, I’ll be right here, ready to start our journey.