What am I supposed to do with myself in these darkest hours of the night? When my soul wants to take flight from my body and be free to think all the deep thoughts that I am too busy to think about during the day. All my preoccupation and distractions melt into still silence and I am left alone to question my purpose, question my God, question my path, question my resolve, question my strength, question…question… question.
All my shelters and shields that protect me from the outside world during the day are meaningless at night. The storm rages within me. I feel the weight of my skin restrain me, holding me back, keeping me ordinary. Almost like a lost dog at a pound that frantically struggles against his cage; he knows he has a home and just wants to be free to find his way. Sometimes I feel like I neglect my soul. I ignore my own longings just so I can maintain my ordinariness. The thought makes me sick with disappointment at myself. How dare I have the audacity to attempt to squelch something that feels like it is ripping me in half! Will this war end me?
Beloved, sometimes I need your guidance. I need a sounding board to bounce ideas off of. I need you to hear me. Maybe what I really want is for you to have crazy ideas that I can listen to. Maybe if we’re crazy together it’ll all make sense some how. I need you to help me with the puzzle pieces of life; we’re supposed to build this thing together remember?
My struggle isn’t with God or loneliness, it’s with me. Having been blessed with so much, such an abundant life, guilt knocks at my door and raps on my windows and sends nasty past due collection notices to me. Guilt is my terrorist and he demands his ransom.
It’s worse than that though, guilt almost makes it sound selfless and this isn’t selfless. What is this? Impact, I want to have impact. To be able to know that all these blessings were for something more worthy than just me. My life is too good. My heart is too happy. I am too full. I can’t just keep all of this for myself, can I? I’m supposed to do something with it right?
Where is my outlet? Where do I funnel all of this? Right now the only thing that makes sense is to write. To just be honest with the blank page in front of me. Hopefully I learn to let my soul take a stroll across the pages and maybe one day I will be able to express the beauty that God has implanted in my heart.